I have always written in journals since I was a child, I have hundreds of them. There is something so special about picking up a pen and writing down anything on the mind then closing the book only to know its completely private.
This on the other hand is so different.
Writing openly, for all to see, is intimidating. It's vulnerable. It's sensitive. I don't want to be judged, so I don't know where to start.
...Suddenly, I'm shy.
~My intention is to start blogging at least once a week.~
I'm going to take a deep breath and start here...
I've changed. A lot. I barely recognize myself from last year and even reading back on my old journals, it just doesn't even seem like the same person.
Just within these past few months have been extremely life changing. I have taken off in my Thai Yoga Massage business, completely dropped in to a loving relationship with my best friend and finally finishing up an album that has taken over a year to complete.
Those things are just the tip of the ice burg to something much deeper that has changed within me.
You see, my whole life I have been a care taker and most deadly, a fixer. I like to repair people. I actually got a high off of it. Since a very young age, my mother taught me to play this roll very well.
I have learned with much counseling, patience and walking a tight rope of whats healthy and whats dysfunctional. I have cleared out unhealthy people in my life. I have removed myself from most of my old patterns. I have finally learned how to ASSIST people in their healing processes instead of FIXING them.
The past month or so has been that much of an eye opener and a test in my strength against this addictive "fixing" behavior. I have a client of mine that just got diagnosed with brain cancer. Him and his wife have become so close to me and this was a sudden shock to all of us.
I have been traveling to work on him in the hospital whenever he has free time. Though I can't do my traditional Thai Massage, I have been offering Reiki, soft massages and really just a listening ear.
I can't fix him, I know this. What I have learned is this deeper presence within me that I never thought was there. Just showing up, sitting with him, rubbing his feet and listening is ENOUGH. Sometime just BE-ING is enough. I don't have to try. I don't have to give advice. Just listen and be present and that is healing enough.
It's hard, I walk out of there and sometimes cry. Sometimes I can't stop laughing. He teaches me so much through our time together... He keeps saying " Sarah, we all share the same experiences.. We are all one." " You and I are having a healing experience together through this.."
It melts my heart how much this man is awakening to himself for the first time. His wife has said, she feels like she is starting all over in her relationship with him because he is so unbelievably different now. He finally expresses his love, he cries, he giggles! Her unconditional love, support and strength is so inspiring and has taught me a different level of acceptance and patience through partnership. I am humbled to be around them both through this journey of theirs.
And so bringing this back to myself... How many times I feel like I have died only to be reborn again. How many layers we have to shed each day to fully step into our authentic selves. I only hope it doesn't have to take dis-ease, injury and trauma to wake up each time...
As I sit before my meditation shrine and send all the love and healing energy out to the ones I love, I am listening, my god I am listening. I am shedding. And I'm soooo trying to be present.
Author: Sarah Daigle
Sarah has been a writer her entire life. She has written lyrics for other artists and her own music, collaborated in spoken words, written articles, stories, poems and always has a journal on hand to note all the quirky observations that she sees.